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Terrified and Depressed

Discussion in 'Type 1 Diabetes' started by CaptainKidd27, May 8, 2017.

  1. CaptainKidd27

    CaptainKidd27 Type 1 · Member

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    Hello. I am a type one diabetic, and have been for almost five years at this point, diagnosed when I was 16. I have struggled with depression and anxiety for most of my teenage and adult years so far, and only recently had it begun to improve. However, last year, after a particularly bad end to a relationship, I fell into a deep depression and began to completely neglect my condition, no longer caring or putting value on my life at all. During this time, though I mostly continued taking my Lantus, I pretty much I completely neglected to take any fast acting insulin for a period of 9 months to a year. I know this was a terrible desicion in retrospect, but as people with depression can atttest, hindsight is 20/20. My condition has improved greatly in the recent weeks, and with the help of medication, I am almost back to my old happy and life-loving self, however, there's is an aching fear that gnaws at me every second of the day. Will I die young? Because of this terrible desicion, have I essentially committed suicide? Even though my numbers have been under control lately, when I first started testing again a couple weeks ago, it was not uncommon to see readings in the high 20s to low 30s. Is it too late now, or can I still live a healthy life after this major blunder. I've cried myself to sleep for the last few nights because I'm so terrified that It might not matter what I do now. Because of the rural nature of where I live, it will be a while before I can get into a doctor, but I just need someone to tell me that I'll be okay, that this one year of terrible desicions can be outweighed by turning over a new leaf and properly managing my condition. Thank you. Also, I should mention I haven't had any Symptoms of complications yet, like neuropathy or blurred vision.
     
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  2. tim2000s

    tim2000s Type 1 · Expert
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    HI @CaptainKidd27 - welcome to the Forum. Here's the good news. You've taken the decision to get back on the horse and ride it again, and this can only benefit you. From here, managing levels in to the right place will help a lot with maintaining good health. No-one really knows what the effects of a shortish period of time with the numbers being away from the optimum does, but many of us have been there, and plenty haven't suffered terrible outcomes as a result.

    All we can do is keep plugging away, but the outcomes from here are certainly an early grave. It's probably worth going and reading about Richard Bernstein. Whilst I don't advocate living the way he does, after 20 years and ending up in a bad condition with early signs of complications, he manage to reverse them with good management. It just helps to show that it is possible to reduce the impact of a period of poor control, and may even be possible to reverse anything that's already happened.
     
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  3. CHIET1

    CHIET1 Type 1.5 · Well-Known Member

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    @CaptainKidd27 , head up and look forward not back! Yes what you did was careless and definitely not a good a idea for any period of time. However, if you continue to look back and beat yourself up it will increase your stress levels. You have made the wise decision to start taking your insulin again, so keep that up and slowly your numbers will come back to normal. You should make it a priority to schedule a check up with your diabetes team, just to help you out in terms of managing everything and also checking for any signs of complications.

    We are the lucky ones, remember that 100 years ago insulin did not exist. Also, the technology we have today did not exist. I think it was only in the 60s that blood sugar meters became available and even then only to doctors at a huge price. Are you familiar at all with Dr. Bernstein's work? He lived through the time before blood sugar meters and had high blood sugar readings and complications as a T1 diabetic. Of course he developed complications, but when blood sugar meters became available he managed to get one and started testing his BS levels before and after eating. Over time identifying the foods that caused the BS levels to spike and then eliminating these foods. Through these changes and adjusting his insulin requirements accordingly, over the years all complications reversed and he is still working long days in his specialist diabetes practice in New York. Check hime out on you tube, his videos are free just google Dr. Bernstein's diabetes university. Anyway, my point with this is that even if you have caused some damage over the past 9 months, if you focus now and get your blood sugar levels back down into the normal range going forward, you can undo the damage and get on with living your life!

    Also, maybe try to find other diabetics in your area or county and try to arrange a meet up every so often to discuss things. I have made an effort to do this recently and I have found it great! These forums are great, but it is always better to speak to people face to face I think.

    Good luck and get going!
     
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  4. Juicyj

    Juicyj Type 1 · Moderator
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    Hi @CaptainKidd27 - I would second the advice given above, try not to stress you cannot change what's happened, what you have control over is now, so staying on track and becoming an expert in managing your condition. To be honest none of us knows what the future holds and living with type 1 means you can only do what you can each day to stay on track and stay well. Share your feelings though, being able to talk to others is a good way of helping to manage living with type 1 :)
     
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  5. Just_Me_Rachel

    Just_Me_Rachel Type 1 · Well-Known Member

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    I know the place you're at. I was there too. Also just took lantus at the time without the short acting insulin. Also suffered from depression and anxiety and alot of mess.

    I voiced your fear to my doctor, back then. And this was after 10yrs with my diabetes control never very good. He reasured me that usually it takes longer than 1yr of terrible control for complications to kick in.

    Over the next 10years I continued to struggle. When they detected beginning stages retinopathy they warned me, get diabetes in control and it'll get better.

    Frankly, I have this fear of complications still, i've lived with 20yrs of diabetes and most poor control. I've had friends who have suffered complications shortly after diagnosis so I suppose it's individual too. But my hope today is to get my hba1c down and live healthy. It's my hope and it's my dream and I hold on to it for dear life, because, anyways I can only live in the moment and not alter my past.

    They say your past can be a comfort for others in that situation. Perhaps that thought can help, too.

    Good luck, you're not alone.
    Rachel
     
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  6. Phoenix55

    Phoenix55 Prediabetes · Well-Known Member

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    I can only empathise with you, I am Type 2, but I do know what it is like to have depression. Try to take each day as it comes, if your numbers are lower than they were, it is a good day, if not then you can try to improve them tomorrow. You now want to live so give yourself something to live for. If you are able to plan for something that you want to do, perhaps a holiday, learn a new skill, raising money for a charity all helped me and then there is always something else to achieve. Look up, put on a smile and go grab life.
     
  7. Resurgam

    Resurgam Type 2 (in remission!) · Expert

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    I am type 2, so do not face the same problems - but since getting normal BG levels I have noticed a change in my mental and emotional states - I used to bite my nails, usually considered a bad habit but I always associated it with stress or aggravation - now I don't. After 50 years it is a bit strange to have nails.
    My ability to cope was always higher when eating low carb - which is how I keep my BG stable now.
    It has totally ruined my ability to write fantasy fiction - but I did that for my own amusement and I am a lot busier these days anyway.
    Do try to get on with something useful rather than indulging in all those oh dears and what ifs - you are just wasting your time and energy on intangibles - one day it really will be to late, don't wait until then to realise it.
     
  8. TopoGigi

    TopoGigi Type 1 · Well-Known Member

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    Hi this could of been my story too.
    I was diagnosed at 16, was okay with everything for a year or two then wanted to be like everybody else and do anything and everything sod the Diabetes. I actually had a "Honeymoon" period of about a year so wasn't very happy when things went down hill again. I became quite ill, then came the depression and a six month stay in a psychiatric hospital, didn't want to live anymore, but something happened and I was taken off all antidepressants and anti anxiety drugs, struggled to get back to reality but did eventually. But then came the pain, terrible peripheral neuropathy, lost two stone in weight still not taking my insulin properly, nearly two years housebound. In desperation I sought help, I researched and researched to find someone who could help me, eventually I was seen by a London Hospital who have looked after me ever since. Although I can't deny that I haven't had my fair share of health issues since.
    Here I am 42 years later, still alive and kicking, Yes you may have done some damage but things can get better if you really want them to, there is so much more help and support out there than there was when my problems started. Be determined and you will succeed. Best wishes.
     
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  9. Just_Me_Rachel

    Just_Me_Rachel Type 1 · Well-Known Member

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    Omg Amy, I'm glad you wrote this, because it's good to see I'm not alone. I forgot that before finding this online community. I literally used to walk around in a zombie state, 20+ too, water and peeing all day too...then, the next years, something like you describe. I'm 25 now, and just want to do the work of getting my A1C in control. For all these years I thought I was invincible. I thought I could do this, and now I know I can't do this alone. Nobodys going to do it for me but alone I cannot.

    Thanks for sharing your story Amy.

    Best,
    Rachel
     
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  10. beckysalvage

    beckysalvage Type 1 · Active Member

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    Hi @CaptainKidd27

    I am a type 1 diabetic, and I was diagnosed ages 2. I therefore went through my teenage years hating having diabetes because I hated being even more different. I was admitted to hospital on more than one occasion for not taking my insulin. I dont think I did a blood test in about 5 years! My doctors were going crazy! I only really started taking my diabetes seriously about 5 years ago. I also suffer from depression and anxiety, and have found that talking to a professional really helps me. If you dont already see someone, ask your GP, they can set it up for you. Sadly, diabetes is not like other conditions where you can just forget about it until something really major comes up. If you are like me, I feel **** whenever I have a high blood sugar (its like being hungover but without the getting drunk fun part!) and I struggle to be productive which delightfully kick starts the anxiety. It will get easier... I was told its a little like quitting smoking... you have to do the routine of not smoking (or in our case injecting or blood testing) for a month or two, and then it becomes second nature. I now test my blood sugar all the time, and it has made a real difference to my day to day life since I no longer feel so ******! Of course, take each day as it comes... this morning I woke up with a blood sugar of 17.2. I did nothing different to usual last night, but bodies are crazy sometimes. Try not to get worried about this, we are all just doing the best we can. As for complications, despite having spent much of my teenage years denying my diabetes, I so far have no complications. But if a complication does develop for me, I now know I am doing everything I can to reverse it, and that is what matters. You are doing so well now, and that is the most important thing!

    Becky xxx
     
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  11. genix

    genix Type 1 · Well-Known Member

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    Hey kiddo it works like this: high sugars do damage and normal sugars repair damage so the thing is try to spend more time with good sugars. Trust me, if you start now you will be fine. if you dont, then in a few years say 20 you will REALLY have something to be depressed about. I have had this since I was 4 and am now 44 so do the right thing and keep em low and enjoy your life.
     
  12. linda_b

    linda_b Type 1 · Active Member

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    @CaptainKidd27 I feel like I'm reading something I have written. I have been in the exactly the same position as you. If you want to PM me please do. I can try and help
     
  13. maria030660

    maria030660 · Well-Known Member

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    Hi there,

    My daughter has type 1 just like me and was diagnosed at the same age as well around 25. She was the party girl in heart and soul, smoking her brains out, party poopers you name it. And within a week it was all over for her and she didn't accept what was happening to her body. As her mother all I could do was look on powerless how she went about. But she fell on her face real hard one day and it woke her up. Now she is eating healthy, stopped smoking, is testing her blood several times a day as she never wants to have that scare again. testing your blood remains the secret to your success. because if you don't you will lose your kidneys or even worse, get a stroke or suffer amputations of limbs
     
  14. CaptainKidd27

    CaptainKidd27 Type 1 · Member

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    I know it's a bit late, sorry for not replying earlier guys. I just wanted to thank everyone so very much for their words of kindness and encouragement, especially those who shared stories similar to mine. I honestly can't express how much you guys have made me feel better, it's good to know I'm not the only one who has fallen off the wagon, and that it's not too late to get better. From the bottom of my heart, thank you all. I've been constantly testing and adjusting for the past few days, and my numbers have seen a stellar improvement, so I'm very optimistic about the future, and I'll be careful not to let my condition go to the wayside again.
     
  15. Scott-C

    Scott-C Type 1 · Well-Known Member

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    I've spent time resenting it, but one little trick I use now is not to think of it as a war against an unrelenting enemy. I think of it more as me having to look after a bit of my body which isn't working properly. I'm not fighting it, I'm helping out, in much the same way as I help my young niece and nephew, even though, just like T1, they can both be a bit unruly at times! I just find that it puts me in a better place knowing that I'm co-operating with it, rather than fighting it.
     
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  16. genix

    genix Type 1 · Well-Known Member

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    Great stuff, and yes it's not too late. Take care Kiddo, my thoughts will be with you.
     
  17. Hayden_McCall

    Hayden_McCall Type 2 · Member

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    I have one piece of advice. Pick up a copy of Grain Brain and give it a read. It may shed some light on why you could possibly be experiencing some of your conditions, and how to combat them. Good luck.
     
  18. amylh1

    amylh1 Type 1 · Member

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    Hey Rachel sorry for the late reply. Yeah me too, I somehow thought my diagnosis was a mistake or that one day I'd wake up and be cured/wake up from a nightmare. Exactly we are the only ones in control, just try your best and have fun. Life is short lol
     
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