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Type 1 and Married Life

Discussion in 'Type 1 Diabetes' started by SHmano, Jan 9, 2018.

  1. Rokaab

    Rokaab Type 1 · Well-Known Member

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    This is the comment that stood out for me, obviously we can't tell how he feels about you, but if he is unwilling to be helpful or learn to be helpful then you need to consider your options.
    Having a hypo is bad enough already, you don't then need someone telling you off cos it will make you feel even worse than you already did.

    PS. Sorry if this has come across a bit blunt.
     
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  2. SHmano

    SHmano Type 1 · Well-Known Member

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    Thanks for your response. But unfortunately there are no such courses in Chennai as available in UK. I am struggling to put up a courageous face. Though very skilled and capable of handling all the chores of life except hypos I have certainly failed in my married life.
     
  3. Juicyj

    Juicyj Type 1 · Moderator
    Staff Member

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  4. Fairygodmother

    Fairygodmother Type 1 · Well-Known Member

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    Hello @SHmano,
    Speaking as a feminist humanist I advise you not to think that you’ve ‘failed’ in your married life. How might you have failed? On whose criteria? If it’s on your wish for a happy and equal marriage then you’ve had bad luck, not failure.
    I hope that you have a look at the Bertie online course; it might give you a way to gain more understanding of ways to reduce your hypos. Do have a look and tell us what you think.
     
  5. Desmusic

    Desmusic Type 1 · Newbie

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    Hi, I'm T1 for 40 years and happily married for 23. Both need hard work to manage at times! No one who's not diabetic can possibly know what is like to be worried about blood levels 24/7 but luckily we can work with doctors to steady things. Your night time hypos sound nasty (can't really give any advice as we don't know your diet, medication or test results), maybe your husband is scared to see his loved one in such a state, and being an emotionally uptight male (most of us are!) he doesn't know how to express it? He sounds supportive (going to doctor with you) which is good. My wife, always supportive and patient (men and diabetes...) has become quite knowledgeable about diabetes, and even my 3 teenagers know to ask if my bloods are low if I'm being grumpy (it's usually them doing something wrong though!).
    1. Please keep healthy
    2. Please keep healthy!
    3. You're amazing for managing T1 for so long
    4. Please keep healthy!!
     
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  6. Wjohn

    Wjohn Type 1 · Well-Known Member

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    Dear Shmano ,Sorry to hear this ,myself have been a type 1 on insulin for 55 yrs ,with many incidents of hypos,in earlier years ,many of these were violent .Many ,many upsets due to low BGs fortunately ,my wife was/is very understanding but has many times been very angry with me .A great benefit we have got from the Libre BG system ,she is able to easily see what and in what direction my BG is going,at long last she is able to relax a wee bit.Go for it if you can ,it really has helped us ,
    Good luck
    Wjohn
     
  7. donnellysdogs

    donnellysdogs Type 1 · Master

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    T1 is part of you and He married you "in sickness and in health".....

    Now, for me I had T1 way before I met my hubby. He was scared stiff at the intensity of some of my night hypo's. So much so that he would go to kitchen to get my favourite hypo stopper (milk and sugar), give it to me and walk away and turn tv on in middle of the night!! He was confused about me doing stupid things like running round the house naked! He made sure all the windows and doirs were shut (he would shut windows if I was screaming or being annoying and shouting....

    However, I sat him down and explained that I didnt know what I was doing on some of fhe scarey ones... but the best thing that I wanted was for him to sit down on the bed and just hold me safe... that is truly all I wanted and he would have done it if he knew what to do for me but my antics (running out into garden to have a wee)... he priortised keeping me safe first and then he knew that I would come out of the shouting stage and then he would come back in..

    All it took waa for me to tell him how to help me and not be scared.

    We met and married within 5 weeks, so he must have thiught that he married a real Jekyll and Hyde!! Lol..

    For me severe hypos that bad only came with my bloods dropping quickly whilst I slept.. from things like shift changes, not carb counting properly but guestimating, certainly never knew about basal testing back then.....and also if we had alcohol they were more severe.

    I would do some night checks and basal testing and the bertie online... also for yourself look at the food/alcohol you had on day before any hypos.

    There are cgms that would alarm you if levels dropping quickly-therefore you may be able to treat them before they occur... and they will give you more idea what is happening...

    I would suggest that you both go to the Counsellor... this has become a problem for the two of you..
    He married you...
    Vowed to look after you
    Hypos are part of illness that is part of you
    He needs to man up and help you rather than be hypo horrid to you.

    Or when you are both calm, grab a cuppa and sit opposite each other at a table... and talk openly and honestly and set out those groundrukes and nobody leaves table until a better understanding is gained and a new way is accepted...
    Board members, managers, dont talk in bed with the rest if the executive, they arent cosy on a settee together.. they make all important decisions collectively at a table looking at each other.. this shoukd be the same for marriage too... if you have major decisions to make, do it over a cuppa at a dining room table. It takes the heat out of emotions.

    I actually think thats why its good to go out for dinner when partners meet... its not all about the kissing and cuddling and doing things.. its how you react in conversations... and the best place for conversations are at a table opposite each other...

    I havent had severe hypo's for years now but I well remember sitting hubby down and explaining what help I needed from him. Even though on occasions I couldnt remember everything I could always clearly remember parts of my lunatic periods.

    I never had daytime mood changes from hypo's. Even thiugh I may have had one during tge night I coukd still go in to work and manage up to 600 men and women.

    I would consider though... if you can go into work the next day okay, then this may be something that is relating more to him... ie are you knowing tgat he's going to be annoyed, so you are already in a fearful frame of mind. Ecause of that? Your colkeagues at work, probably wouldnt know if you had a hypo during the night unless you told them. You would prob go in to work and cope... but knowing someone is going to make you angst about a hypo is going to knock your mood as soon as you awake.

    Before my hubby I lived with a psychopath for a while. He threatened that if I continued having hypos at night he would grab my insulin and finish me off.. took a lot of hell to get away from tge psycho but I did it... and never looked back... (well I did for a while as he found me and threatened me and it wasnt nice), but I did move on...
     
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  8. Grant_Vicat

    Grant_Vicat Don't have diabetes · Well-Known Member

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    This is the first page of the book I'm holding in the picture. Helen and I met at London University in 1978, went out in 1980 and married in 1982. We are still married and for 35 of those years I was Type 1, hence the content:

    Dedication

    To the memory of Banting & Best and Professor Macleod, who gave all diabetics a chance to live. To Sir Roy Calne, Kathleen Thornton and all the nurses, doctors, anaesthetists and surgeons who have made my life possible. To all friends and work colleagues who have coped with my unpredictable behaviour. To my family who have supported me in this possibility, especially my wife Helen, who has kept a disciplinary eye on my aberrations over the last thirty-five years.

    You've obviously got a goodun. Here's to your future together!
     
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  9. Munsa

    Munsa Type 1 · Member

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    Sorry to hear about the problems you and your husband are having. Having been married for almost 44 years, my husband has rescued me on many occasions. Over the years, he has supported me and I him.
    I always remember a mum to be that I knew having a really bad hypo and having to be rushed to hospital. Her husband had carried on decorating as he was convinced she'd had a hypo to spite him! What a plonker!
     
  10. LizzieNI

    LizzieNI Type 1 · Well-Known Member

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    Hi

    Can you ask your diabetes teamsters the hospital to help educate your husband? I know the diabetes UK charity has educational stuff online you could access. And definitely you should watch the BBC guy together. He needs to understand the unpredictability of diabetes, that you can't always be prepared- sh*t happens! Excuse the curse please.
    Good luck.
    Xxxx
     
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  11. SHmano

    SHmano Type 1 · Well-Known Member

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    Thanks will definitely go through the learning source. Thanks for your valuable input
     
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  12. SHmano

    SHmano Type 1 · Well-Known Member

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    Now, you have given me how to handle the situation and explain in detail. Might be I do not talk about how to handle the situation, rather considered to spoil it more. Thanks a lot for your advice. This will help me a lot. Love you.
     
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  13. Robinredbreast

    Robinredbreast Type 1 · Oracle

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    Hi. married vows - in sickness and in health ...................... if you are having a lot of hypo's you need to talk to your DSN/Diabetes hospital team for guidance and support. Also your husband needs to sit down with you so you can talk it through with him, a heart to heart, about what managing type 1 is like on a daily basis and coping with it for decades, it's hard and frustrating at times, so he needs to be understanding. supportive ......................................... and loving too, through the good times and the bad/difficult times. Good luck @SHmano X
     
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    #33 Robinredbreast, Jan 12, 2018 at 7:31 AM
    Last edited: Jan 12, 2018
  14. donnellysdogs

    donnellysdogs Type 1 · Master

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    I think the talk at a table is essential....unless he is the extreme which my psychopath was ....in which case I would say for your safety best to split......

    I think telling him its like the worst drunkedness state except its not having the alcohol first and it just happens at night with no warning..from dreams to a nightmare that you cant get out of....

    Do everything to emphasise how bad it can be, how he needs to help, how nevativite comments makes you anxious and depressed. Importantly though explain how you are going to try and stop/minimise them and the steps ypu are going to do positively and his understanding them too would help you.

    Try all decision making chats across
    each other at a dining table. My hubby and I callit our "grown up" table...

    Well done on taking the courage to talk about it here. Good luck hun..xx
     
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  15. tigger

    tigger Type 1 · Well-Known Member

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    @SHmano I have had type 1 for 34 years and have been married for nearly 14 years. I have also had bad hypos at nights including comas. My husband is great and has spotted some of the night ones and treated/got help as necessary. Yes it's not fun but he did know about this before he signed up with me. If someone truly cares for you then it's part of the package. You can educate him about how it feels, what he can do (men like to be able to do things), how sometimes it is out of your control/penalty of too tight control to prevent long term complications. I would however recommend marriage counselling as what you are saying sounds more connected to your relationship than your diabetes.

    Also how much does you having a hypo affect him? Do you have awareness? Most of the time I keep a juice carton by my bed so if I wake up with a hypo I can treat without getting out of bed/disturbing my husband. However, he'd rather be woken up to be asked to get me juice then find me in a coma.

    Good luck in finding a better way to deal with this and you are not a failure! It takes two people to make a marriage but only one to break it.
     
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  16. Marion1102

    Marion1102 Type 1 · Member

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    I've been type 1 for just over 30 years and my husband has been with me, providing support, that whole time. What I would suggest is getting a freestyle libra. I always had a real fear of nighttime hypos as when on Lantus it didn't agree with me and i had many hypos, due to this I used to take extra carbs before bed but using the freestyle for a free weeks really helped me to understand my night time levels and make needed adjustments. Good Luck x
     
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