What was your fasting blood glucose? (full on chat)

[Lamont D]

Just to clarify, in case that line got taken in the wrong way.

I tried to use the underground, a few months after the accident.
Getting back on the horse, so to speak.

An awful experience.

The confines of the train itself, knowing I was so far underground, all gave me flashbacks of the day itself and the little 'death' my brain insists was real, and part of the PTSD I have to overcome.

But worst was the noise & crush of people.

The thoughts rushing me back to being flat on the ground, only Being able to see all the feet stepping around me as I lay wounded & listening to the hubbub of the crowd gathered above me doing their best to help .

So while simply getting on a train isn't that difficult, the underground & rush hour part is.

I managed yesterday, not too far & not too busy (was still quite twitchy, & praying it didn't Stop between stations ) so I took a little victory from that.

Still a way too go, but that's a challenge for next year.

But I sat here last night, genuinely thinking yesterday WAS a good day.

Thank you all for making me welcome day one, and all the support in many forms over the years.

During the pandemic, I was under orders, on a trip downtown to the huge Asda.
of course this was after my breakdown but I had to do some shopping.
So, I did the big shop, and Mrs L wanted something only Asda had.
so I went in and noticed no security on the door, it was supposed to be limited.
I was in one mind, to be in and out, very quickly.
I only had a few things and the rd was a dearth of staff on the tills.
so I joined the queue.
The hordes of people began to crush around me. The tills are in a relatively small space.
I became worried that I would catch covid! But not for myself.
My thoughts turned to Mrs L.
It would be me who would infect her. Of course, I had a mask on.
That I just couldn't handle.
I had a really bad panic attack. I just lost It.
I ran, I left the trolley and goods, where it was and ran. Yes, ran out and sat outside the supermarket, till I had totally gained some modicum of control. I got a taxi home.
I really hated my reaction to that episode.

I have been back, a couple of times, cos, I needed to, for the treatment the counselling recommend.
I have actually learnt how to use the self serve tills, so I don't have to queue up. I hate shopping, always have, with a passion.
But, I have no choice!

We all have our fears, we have our burdens, we have loves and hates and everything in between.
There is a thin line between love and hate.
A fear and anxiety, of how to be.
Something our feelings cannot stop, prevent or control.
It is the most difficult thing to do is face our fears, no matter how normal they may seem to others.

Thanks for sharing.

I get it, mate.

 

[Lamont D]

6.6 today.
Too much to do and doing too much.
I have been naughty, and will not be on Santa's list.

I have been angry, on the edge for a few days since my last counselling session.
Today, I blew, and walked out to the footie pitches and let the steam come out!
It was because, I got something wrong, and Mrs L kept pointing it out, for around fifteen minutes, it was like an obsession to put me down, so I was told to confront this type of situation, but it just made me so angry!
It was too much for me to tell her something, that she had no idea what she was doing to me!
I shouted, slammed some doors, threw the baby and the toys out of the pram, total!y lost it. And escaped, rather than carry it on, which would have made the situation worse.
Of course, I deeply regretted losing it with her, and soon as the wind bit me, it cooled me down.
I went in to apologise, but she had already fell asleep. And woke up, some time later, and of course, couldn't remember.
I feel so guilty, and annoyed at myself. I thought I was doing well, but obviously not.
This is hard.
Trough time.
Some lovely gammon to appease my feelings.

Sometimes, I do not like myself.

 

[Lamont D]

“In Germany there is no swearing, because things work.”
Henning Wehn.

Only a dumpfkopf and a schweinhund would believe that!

 

[dunelm]

Only a dumpfkopf and a schweinhund would believe that!

Maybe, but they are not swear words and a bit like Noddypeak Simpleton. Although, having lived in Germany and having German relatives the so called swear words on offer are a bit sparse and tame compared to the fruity selection on offer in the UK.

 

[SlimLizzy]

Had to look those up - any family connection? Amazing fbg based on those ingredients. I'd have no issue avoiding as there is desicated coconut and golden syrup but I imagine they are popular and with your skills will be a-maze-ing. The love is the key ingredient.

No family connection- shame that could use a trip to NZ. Recipe found in a cookery book by Mary Berry. Was a great favourite with my children when they were young. My mother used to bake them as well, but having a deep aversion to coconut substituted raisins, which had a tendency to over caramelise.

 

[SlimLizzy]

Is he a man u?

Linnet? Tried to post link but no go. Sorry.

 

[dunelm]

6.6 today.
Too much to do and doing too much.
I have been naughty, and will not be on Santa's list.

I have been angry, on the edge for a few days since my last counselling session.
Today, I blew, and walked out to the footie pitches and let the steam come out!
It was because, I got something wrong, and Mrs L kept pointing it out, for around fifteen minutes, it was like an obsession to put me down, so I was told to confront this type of situation, but it just made me so angry!
It was too much for me to tell her something, that she had no idea what she was doing to me!
I shouted, slammed some doors, threw the baby and the toys out of the pram, total!y lost it. And escaped, rather than carry it on, which would have made the situation worse.
Of course, I deeply regretted losing it with her, and soon as the wind bit me, it cooled me down.
I went in to apologise, but she had already fell asleep. And woke up, some time later, and of course, couldn't remember.
I feel so guilty, and annoyed at myself. I thought I was doing well, but obviously not.
This is hard.
Trough time.
Some lovely gammon to appease my feelings.

Sometimes, I do not like myself.

Accepting of yourself is quite difficult but removing yourself from the situation and getting some cool air could possibly have been quite a smart move. A great while ago I practiced Kendo and was exposed to Mushin or ‘No mind”. To quote, “Mushin is achieved when a person's mind is free from thoughts of anger, fear, or ego during combat or everyday life. There is an absence of discursive thought and judgment, so the person is totally free to act and react towards an opponent or situation without hesitation and without disturbance from such thoughts.” When I practice the spontaneity of Zen painting, I try for a state of Mushin first, usually by deep breathing. You could look it up on the wonder web if you like, or not. Take care.

 

[SlimLizzy]

6.6 today.
Too much to do and doing too much.
I have been naughty, and will not be on Santa's list.

I have been angry, on the edge for a few days since my last counselling session.
Today, I blew, and walked out to the footie pitches and let the steam come out!
It was because, I got something wrong, and Mrs L kept pointing it out, for around fifteen minutes, it was like an obsession to put me down, so I was told to confront this type of situation, but it just made me so angry!
It was too much for me to tell her something, that she had no idea what she was doing to me!
I shouted, slammed some doors, threw the baby and the toys out of the pram, total!y lost it. And escaped, rather than carry it on, which would have made the situation worse.
Of course, I deeply regretted losing it with her, and soon as the wind bit me, it cooled me down.
I went in to apologise, but she had already fell asleep. And woke up, some time later, and of course, couldn't remember.
I feel so guilty, and annoyed at myself. I thought I was doing well, but obviously not.
This is hard.
Trough time.
Some lovely gammon to appease my feelings.

Sometimes, I do not like myself.

We all do and say things we regret when we are not our best selves. As mrsL has forgotten about it already, try to forgive yourself as well. In future when you notice that you are feeling like that find a way to let some of it out before you explode. Being constantly reminded of one's failings is understandably extremely irritating.
Let today go. You will do better next time.

 

[Lamont D]

Accepting of yourself is quite difficult but removing yourself from the situation and getting some cool air could possibly have been quite a smart move. A great while ago I practiced Kendo and was exposed to Mushin or ‘No mind”. To quote, “Mushin is achieved when a person's mind is free from thoughts of anger, fear, or ego during combat or everyday life. There is an absence of discursive thought and judgment, so the person is totally free to act and react towards an opponent or situation without hesitation and without disturbance from such thoughts.” When I practice the spontaneity of Zen painting, I try for a state of Mushin first, usually by deep breathing. You could look it up on the wonder web if you like, or not. Take care.

When doing my morning exercises, the first few minutes, I sit and try and clear my brain, breathing exercising and getting, even though it is very difficult, in a null neutral mood.
Thank you for the suggestion.

 

[Lamont D]

We all do and say things we regret when we are not our best selves. As mrsL has forgotten about it already, try to forgive yourself as well. In future when you notice that you are feeling like that find a way to let some of it out before you explode. Being constantly reminded of one's failings is understandably extremely irritating.
Let today go. You will do better next time.

Thanks, good advice!

 

[ianpspurs]

@dunelm introduced an excellent technique - Mushin - which I see as being grounded, rooted, fully present in the moment. Philip Larkin wrote a poem, Afternoons, in 1950 which ended with these words
Something is pushing them
To the side of their own lives.
For many today the pushing has grown much stronger. Here’s a poem which explores the dual meaning of the word virtue and the modern application virtual - pushing many to the side of their lives. O Radix Stay rooted

 

[jjraak]

Sometimes, I do not like myself.

In most relationships, as You know, things like that can happen.

Usually it's.
A. The other one begs forgiveness
B. The long silence begins
C the injured says sorry, the other accepts or begins gushing, no, no, it was my fault.

At some point you both put it behind you and move on.

Sadly with Mrs L, that can't happen, because she's already forgotten...
A. What she said
B. Why you argued
C Anything hurtful YOU might have said .

My humble opinion, based solely on seeing the same with mum is, it's never something you have just done .

It's just raging at someone near.
An element of fear for Mrs L must creep in to her, during some moments of clarity.

So it's not you or something you can make amends for , sadly.

i can only suggest what @dunelm suggests and what you are already trying.

Perhaps it might help if you told her you knew she was aware what she said was hurtful, and you would pray for her, to be forgiven ?
That could circumvent the row maybe ?
And suggests a kindness from you as a response to what I imagine is quite a nasty moment....negating any righteousness in Mrs L argument.

Failing that, if anger is energy, then it's build up needs a release.

One stout pillow
Your face deep in.
Scream until you feel a lot of the energy leave you.



As for not liking yourself.

None of us are jesus..

The trials of life and the crosses many must bear, can & are an unbearable burden, that would try the patience of a saint.

Head held high @Lamont D , no matter how weary you must feel at times.

From what I see, YOU are doing great to even be where you are, minus Mrs L's anger.

With that added in, never underestimate yourself and think ANYONE else could do a better job of it .....because no one else could .

Take care, my brother.

 

[Krystyna23040]

Thank you very much. I still don't quite believe it after all the stress I've been in this last couple of weeks or so with this....
I wouldn't mind knowing how to set that in motion @Krystyna23040

I am not sure either. Perhaps it might be a good idea to put in a complaint to Specsavers. It won't get the optician struck off but it will be a black mark against her.

Something similar happened to me. After my RTA I became concerned that the injury to my knee had become infected so I saw a doctor at my local surgery to get antibiotics.

He refused to even look at my knee and told me that the hospital had treated me so it couldn't possible be infected.

Later that day I phoned the surgery and asked to see a different doctor who did examine my knee and said that it was badly infected and prescribed antibiotics.

I told a friend, who was a receptionist at the surgery, what had happened and she begged me to make a complaint. She said that they had several complaints about this doctor and my complaint would help them get rid of him.

I complained and he countered it by saying that he didn't need to examine my knee because he could see it clearly. I explained that he couldn't possibly as it was bandaged and I was wearing trousers and don't actually own a skirt. I was believed and they got rid of him. Hopefully he found it hard to get another job.

 

[jjraak]

I am not sure either. Perhaps it might be a good idea to put in a complaint to Specsavers. It won't get the optician struck off but it will be a black mark against her.

Something similar happened to me. After my RTA I became concerned that the injury to my knee had become infected so I saw a doctor at my local surgery to get antibiotics.

He refused to even look at my knee and told me that the hospital had treated me so it couldn't possible be infected.

Later that day I phoned the surgery and asked to see a different doctor who did examine my knee and said that it was badly infected and prescribed antibiotics.

I told a friend, who was a receptionist at the surgery, what had happened and she begged me to make a complaint. She said that they had several complaints about this doctor and my complaint would help them get rid of him.

I complained and he countered it by saying that he didn't need to examine my knee because he could see it clearly. I explained that he couldn't possibly as it was bandaged and I was wearing trousers and don't actually own a skirt. I was believed and they got rid of him. Hopefully he found it hard to get another job.

A win for proving it's possible to get a poor & condescending doctor moved & hopefully reeducated into how to treat patients .

I'd pursue the letter of complaint too @gennepher .

I collapsed in my surgery during an asthma attack

Receptionist made me wait for my appointment.

My complaint got all reception staff re-educated on the correct response in such emergencies, and a very nice letter from the surgery heads to come in so they could personally apologise.

No need, the mistake was rectified by the retraining .

Point was, I got a result and hopefully no one else is ever put at risk because of what happened to me.

I hope if you do, you get a similar response.
So the next person doesn't suffer like you did .

 

[jjraak]

Very atmospheric photo. Keep your welly boots to hand. These look like a challenge, wonder if you get free medical cover and a box of plasters with them for when you try and fit them.


View attachment 65024

 

[jjraak]

Is he a man u?

Does it go "nocups, too woo" like a cuckoo....then it could be....mmm

 

[jjraak]

there are glimpses of triggers you would not expect to take you there...
That was incredibly brave of what you did.

Nice You see it in such light, @gennepher , but it's not really, in my eyes, it's a part of london life, (as you know) that I have to try & overcome

If I can't drive I need to be able to use it again, to fully get around.

An awkward step to take, and I'll admit I'll try to avoid it where possible but I need to know I can do it, IF I have to.

It's like the argument over COVID deaths.

'of' or 'with'.

When my time comes I'm going for 'with'
Because I'm going to do my best to not let it define me .

You & others on here, have shown me it can be done.

Thanks for inspiring me .

 

[Lamont D]

In most relationships, as You know, things like that can happen.

Usually it's.
A. The other one begs forgiveness
B. The long silence begins
C the injured says sorry, the other accepts or begins gushing, no, no, it was my fault.

At some point you both put it behind you and move on.

Sadly with Mrs L, that can't happen, because she's already forgotten...
A. What she said
B. Why you argued
C Anything hurtful YOU might have said .

My humble opinion, based solely on seeing the same with mum is, it's never something you have just done .

It's just raging at someone near.
An element of fear for Mrs L must creep in to her, during some moments of clarity.

So it's not you or something you can make amends for , sadly.

i can only suggest what @dunelm suggests and what you are already trying.

Perhaps it might help if you told her you knew she was aware what she said was hurtful, and you would pray for her, to be forgiven ?
That could circumvent the row maybe ?
And suggests a kindness from you as a response to what I imagine is quite a nasty moment....negating any righteousness in Mrs L argument.

Failing that, if anger is energy, then it's build up needs a release.

One stout pillow
Your face deep in.
Scream until you feel a lot of the energy leave you.



As for not liking yourself.

None of us are jesus..

The trials of life and the crosses many must bear, can & are an unbearable burden, that would try the patience of a saint.

Head held high @Lamont D , no matter how weary you must feel at times.

From what I see, YOU are doing great to even be where you are, minus Mrs L's anger.

With that added in, never underestimate yourself and think ANYONE else could do a better job of it .....because no one else could .

Take care, my brother.

Wow,
I want you to be aware of the emotional rollercoaster I'm on today or this week.
I'm I in a bit of a state I think I have found a brother of circumstances my friend.
Your words (again) have hit home, nail on head!
It's not sympathy, empathy or pity!
I have had that in spades.
I'm not looking for understanding, though deep down I am.
Like yourself, I'm trying to quell my fears and the circumstances of the anxiety.
My shoulders have slumped so many times this week.
I have an emotional diary, and it's full.
Part of my homework from my counsellor.
As for praying with her, for her, using her beliefs to interact has been my life's work. You wouldn't imagine my scepticism with how her family tried to indoctrinate their beliefs.
I have sat in their church and listened and talked, and my kids have taken part in the rituals. And a lot more.
My own personal agnostic views, my open mind, my values, it's not that I'm anti religious, I have not found one that I could be comfortable with. I have always supported Mrs L in her beliefs.

This is helping, and I appreciate the support. I just feel down.
And I believe I'm trapped or feel trapped.
I'm trying to be positive and be myself again but life gets in the way.

Thanks again, you lot are fantastic.
I'm an glad that I've got this forum.

 

[gennepher]

Is he a man u?

Ha ha!!!

 

[gennepher]

6.6 today.
Too much to do and doing too much.
I have been naughty, and will not be on Santa's list.

I have been angry, on the edge for a few days since my last counselling session.
Today, I blew, and walked out to the footie pitches and let the steam come out!
It was because, I got something wrong, and Mrs L kept pointing it out, for around fifteen minutes, it was like an obsession to put me down, so I was told to confront this type of situation, but it just made me so angry!
It was too much for me to tell her something, that she had no idea what she was doing to me!
I shouted, slammed some doors, threw the baby and the toys out of the pram, total!y lost it. And escaped, rather than carry it on, which would have made the situation worse.
Of course, I deeply regretted losing it with her, and soon as the wind bit me, it cooled me down.
I went in to apologise, but she had already fell asleep. And woke up, some time later, and of course, couldn't remember.
I feel so guilty, and annoyed at myself. I thought I was doing well, but obviously not.
This is hard.
Trough time.
Some lovely gammon to appease my feelings.

Sometimes, I do not like myself.

You are doing as well as you can @Lamont D
It is a heck of a pressure to be under.
Maybe I am wrong but I would think it reasonable to walk away from that kind of verbal onslaught. You cannot stand there and keep on taking it.

Hope the gammon was good...