Fbg 6.9 at 4am
Thank you for your words yesterday
@Muddy Cyclist &your painting is brilliant And thanks
@SaskiaKC & for the humour with the 'mister', and thanks
@Barb McD @PenguinMum @HarryBeau @Krystyna23040 @ianpspurs and anyone else I might have missed out
I was not in a good place, it was an incident on Sunday, an ongoing one for years, and it is the feeling of powerlessness because I cannot physically do anything about it...but I constantly try. Maybe I should give up trying.
There is another deeper root to all this. When I was a teenager, my father tore up all my paintings and artwork telling me I was useless etc etc. I was only a girl he said who would make nothing of her life. I went into a depression for the first time, a deep depression for over a year. Psychiatrists were bl**dy useless and compounded the issue. So, at various points, for various reasons I can spiral into depression. And this can go on for months. It is like trying to claw your way out of an impossibly bottomless hopeless pit. I found in the last few years that if I went to bed immediately when the feeling got bad, and did not try to soldier through the depression, then I could get out of it far quicker.
I am still feeling very vulnerable today, but what got me out of the depression last night, was a message from a total stranger. I belong to postcrossing as I have said before (I think), and random people send postcards to random strangers. You are given the address by Postcrossing. Anyway when I got her address a week ago, I looked at her bio I saw that she requested the postcard be put into an envelope if possible so it wouldn't be damaged (a lot of postcards do get damaged in the postal service), and she mentioned she was a single mum with a small daughter who liked pigs, and various other things she liked like mermaids etc. So I put in a postcard of a cute piglet, decorated the back of the card with stickers of the things the daughter liked. And I enclosed various stickers for the daughter to use herself, and there was more stuff I out in...erm a small postcard sized painting I had done, and more. I was only meant to send just the postcard!
But I had made someone and her daughter's day. They got this surprise envelope with these goodies inside. And she sent me the most wonderful message. Tears came to my eyes. I needed that yesterday.
So remember, any kindnesses you do will come back to you oneday. And it is beautiful when they do.
Okay, so here is my painting for this morning. I struggle each time I start a painting. I get very frustrated and believe it is useless and stupid. I do know my paintings can be good. But I don't and cannot see that. I can still remember more than half a century later the paintings my father tore up. There was one I really liked. It was a sunset with the black silhouettes of nettles in the front. I might recreate it one day.
I don't like today's painting and I still don't like yesterday's either. They are getting too dark. I think they are.
So this is the end of the line for for acrylics for the moment. I need a change of direction. I don't know what yet. I will find out tomorrow morning.
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Have a good day
Do what you want to do. To h*ll with others...
Hugs if you would like some
Take care
