- Most people talk to themselves in the first person but using your name can sometimes work better
- Third person self talk gives a slight mood boost in situations where you are preparing to speak or act
- It seems especially useful before big moments such as medical appointments, work presentations or important decisions
Self talk is something almost everyone does.
You might hear yourself thinking “I really need to sort dinner” or “You can get through this clinic appointment”.
Psychologists call this inner speech and they have long suspected it plays a role in how we regulate emotions and keep ourselves on track.
Past lab studies have suggested that using your own name or you rather than I can help you step back a bit from your feelings.
This is called distanced self talk. Instead of I am anxious about my test results you might say “David, you have prepared for this appointment” or “You can handle whatever the doctor says”.
A team writing in the journal Scientific Reports wanted to see how this plays out in real life rather than in short lab experiments.
They asked two hundred and eight people to record their self talk in everyday situations over two weeks using short surveys sent to their phones.
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How people actually talk to themselves
Over the two weeks participants completed almost thirteen thousand brief surveys, covering more than twenty thousand moments that fitted one of four situations. These included times when they felt self critical, were trying to feel better, were pleased with themselves, or were getting ready for something they had to say or do.
Across all of these situations:
- People used first person or immersed self talk around forty three percent of the time
- They used third person or distanced self talk around fifteen percent of the time
- In just over forty two percent of cases they reported no self talk
So most of the time people either spoke to themselves as I or not at all. A minority used their name or you, and some never used distanced self talk during the study.
Interestingly, distanced self talk was used least often in preparatory situations which are exactly the moments when it turned out to be most helpful.
When third person self talk actually helps
The team then looked at how different styles of self talk related to changes in mood.
They focused on whether switching to distanced self talk made people feel better at the next check in, once they had taken their current mood into account.
They found a small but consistent positive effect only in situations that involved getting ready to do or say something.
These might be the moments when you rehearse what you are going to tell your boss, think through a difficult conversation with a partner, or prepare questions for a diabetes review appointment.
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In these preparatory situations, people who used distanced self talk had slightly better mood scores at the next survey than those who spoke to themselves in the first person. The effect size was modest but reliable. In other situations being self critical, trying to cheer yourself up after the fact, or feeling proud there was no clear emotional benefit from third person self talk.
The study also checked whether traits like emotional distress or narcissism were linked to how often people used each style.
There were no strong patterns. People with higher distress did not rely more on third person self talk, and people with higher narcissism did not use their name more either. These habits seem to be spread fairly evenly across personality types.
What this means in everyday life
The main message is that self talk is very common and most of us default to I. Third person self talk you or your own name is less common but tends to be used consistently by those who favour it.
In practical terms, if you know you have an important moment coming up and feel tense about it, shifting to a more distanced style of inner speech may help you stay grounded. For example:
- Instead of “I am going to mess this presentation up”, try “David you have rehearsed this and you know your material
- Instead of “I cannot face this diabetes check today”, try “You can get through this appointment one step at a time”
This slight psychological distance seems to help people feel a touch more positive and in control when they are about to perform or speak.
It is not a magic fix and it does not replace other forms of support or treatment, especially if you live with anxiety or depression. But it is a simple, low effort tool you can experiment with before meetings, clinic visits, phone calls or any situation that makes you tense.
The authors note that their work relies on self report, and that people may be doing other things alongside self talk to manage their emotions.
Future studies will look at how culture, language and training might affect the way we talk to ourselves, and whether people can learn to use distanced self talk more deliberately to support emotional wellbeing.
